South Park: The Fractured But Whole

• Developers: Ubisoft, Ubisoft San Francisco, South Park Digital Studios LLC
• Publisher: Ubisoft
• Genre: Adventure, RPG
• Players: 1
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), Playstation 4, Microsoft Windows, Switch
• Release Date: 17th October 2017
• Microtransactions: No

SJW Assemble!!

Are you a South Park fan? Are you victim to feelings of offence? Do you have a penchant for ass jokes? These 3 questions need to be answered before playing South Park: The Fractured But Whole. The correct answers to get the most out of this little game are Yes, No, Yes. Other variations of answers can gleam you some entertainment. No, No, Yes for example will tide you over very well, if a little tiring, which is the same as Yes, No, No…

That’s enough of that, for transparency for this review, I’m in the Yes, No, Yes camp here.

Much has been made about the alleged difficulty select screen. This is where you choose your skin colour. White being easy and black being difficult. When in actual fact this doesn’t effect the games difficulty. It’s a joke about how reactionary people are (Mainly SJW types whom feel they need to scream and shout about everything). If this joke has caused offence, then please understand you are the joke. I did my research… 95% of the articles I found raging on this are written by white folk. Virtue has been signalled.

Holey Rusted Butt hole

On to the game… it certainly looks South Park, animated and voiced exactly as the cartoon series. You play as the new kid in the town, starting off seemingly at the end of stick of truth. Cartman, now bored of playing a fantasy game, has arrived as his superhero alter ego The Coon. Convinces everyone to join in and now we are all super heroes.

The story doesn’t really go anywhere beyond the super hero thing. Which does get stale pretty quickly. Here in lies my problem with South Park The Fractured But Whole, the game is long winded. Extremely funny in parts (again provided this is your sense of humour), but the repetitive nature of the missions and the length of the game does drag the game down to boring.

I’m sure Matt and Trey felt this themselves, as the game references multiple times the time constraints on the production of this game. Even mocks it’s lack of depth over the first game.

Overall this South Park game took me a little over 25 hours to finish. There were periods of 3 or 4 days of not playing it because of game fatigue.

I Fart On Your Face

The combat system feels very similar to Stick Of Truth (from what I’d played of it), turn based battles, sometimes requiring real strategy to compete. I’m not familiar with the differences between South Park The Fractured But Whole and Stick Of Truth, I’ll update this review once I’ve played Stick Of Truth properly.

Combat is amusing, with some very funny super moves. You’ll fight multiple opponents during most battles, occasionally fighting bosses with a slight twist on the mechanic such as try to exit the area, or feed a beasty.

You unlock different allies during the game to allow you a party of up to 4 heroes to kick ass.

Power-ups and trinkets are earned or found which give you and your team buffs. I can’t say I noticed much besides a health boost or drop.

Who Is The Coon?!

There’s not much else that can be said about South Park The Fractured But Whole… It’s a interactive South Park series. Which I found very funny at times, and other times tedious.
As I mentioned earlier, the game states a few times that they never had enough time to properly flesh out the story on with this game, and you feel it.

Overall if you’re a South Park fan, you’ll enjoy it, just play it in hour long stints though otherwise the back and forth nature of the game type becomes pretty monotonous.

PROS

• Funny (obviously objective)
• Looks and feels exactly like South Park
• Combat is solid and surprisingly deep

CONS

• Long… so very long
• Gets stale
• The ending falls really flat

VERDICT

6.5/10

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The Evil Within 2

• Developers: Tango Gameworks
• Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
• Genre: Survival Horror
• Players: 1
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), Playstation 4, Microsoft Windows
• Release Date: 13th October 2017
• Microtransactions: No

Love, Building On Fire

In The Evil Within 2 you play as Sebastian Castellanos, the hero from the first game. Haunted by the memory of your daughter being burned to death in a house fire. You are racked with guilt over the fact you couldn’t help her. Your partner Kidman (who has a great ass by the way) contacts you and tells you you daughter is alive, she is the core of the STEM. The STEM being the shit hole mental realm that Sebastian survived in the first game, he’s not overly chuffed about going back.

So whilst being tore apart with guilt, and still stilling with all the PTSD you can shake a stick at, Seb is sent into the STEM to recover her. That’s your set-up

Burning Down The House

The Evil Within 2 starts with it’s camera up your ass, before attempting a little bit of heart string tugging. You see your home in front of you… We I assume it’s your home, Sebastian can be a bit of a mentalist, so he could be prepping for a home invasion. The house is a blaze, you run toward the building, panic! Your daughter is inside!! double panic as you move the camera…DEAR GOD it’s horrible. Smash through the window, up the stairs SWEET BABY JESUS this camera is hideous in enclosed areas, like say the house you are forcing me through straight away. You get to your daughters room and hit full blown in the face poor voice acting 101. A ghostly daughter arrives and we are dealt fake out #1 of the game.

Welcome to The Evil Within 2, the intro did nothing for me, but it’s there as the platform of motivation, it doesn’t have the weight of The Last Of Us, but very few games achieve that kind of emotional pain.

Now the first Evil Within was a complete and utter mess (in my opinion), so I wasn’t overly confident that much will have changed in this one. The camera crawling up my ass, the floaty turning and the fake out so early on. Honestly I was concerned…

Psycho Killer

Along comes chapter 2, pretty visuals are about. Some very heavy Twin Peaks influence in the look of this level. With a main villain slowly being introduced to us, an artist whom takes a snap shot at the point of death. Trapping the victim in a perpetual loop of the last few seconds of their life. I like it, but still nervous, not down to the atmosphere, just nervous the game will at any moment just screw itself out of the good will it’s earning from me.

We carry on, having some very nice visuals. Not pretty looking sweeping vistas like Horizon Zero Dawn, but more murderous and differently pretty. Stepping into chapter 3 was when the game itself truly begins.

Taking it’s cues from Resident Evil 4‘s intro, chapter 3 has you coming across some strangely possessed individual, and having to dispatch them. Then moving onto to a loving nod at the village opening in Resident Evil 4. We are then given a open piece of the world to investigate. At this point I had a smile on my face. You can taste the RE4 heritage in the game, Shinji Mikami seems to have hit his stride again. But will it hold out?

Slippery People

The Evil Within 2 plays in multiple ways. You have open(ish) world sections, where exploring is a must. Linear point A to point B levels, and heavy stealth sections.

Stealth played apart in the first game, but was ultimately pointless as I recall, this game really ramps it up, especially in the early game when you and your weapons are weak. Sneaking around and getting those stealth kills is really important because you want that sweet sweet green gel.

The enemy A.I is very squiffy, I played on default difficultly (Survival) and found their detection a bit hit and miss. There’s nothing more frustrating than sneaking up like a filthy ninja, only to get within kill range and the shit bag notice you. In the later game this doesn’t matter so much because your more upgraded, and have better weapons to dispatch the zombie shit-bags.

During the game you come across a few pure stealth sections or “feck up and you will die” sections. Having not played them on the hardest difficulty yet, they were manageable, I can imagine these being a utter pain in the ass at higher difficulties. You can upgrade your stealth sneak ability, which leads me on to…

Memories Can’t Wait

Upgrades return from the previous game yay! You must collect green gel from fallen foes, then spend that lovely sticky icky on making yourself a better person.

You have skill trees to upgrade, Health, Agility, Recovery, Stealth and Combat.

All pretty much self explanatory, with the occasional “special” ability you can unlock by fully upgrading a path.

Along with upgrading your body and mind, you can pimp your weapons too. Reload Speed, Rate Of Fire, Capacity and Power. I like being able to upgrade my weapons throughout a game, tis fun. Although, for fully upgrading a weapon, you don’t unlock a special perk with that weapon (like in Resident Evil 4).

But you do unlock special buffs for the Warden. What’s the Warden? It’s this game crossbow, the previous games crossbow was called Agony. Name change is all I noticed, but not having the first game seared into my brain I could be wrong.

You get various bolts throughout The Evil Within 2, to help dispatch the baddies. All with different traits such as: Explosive, Freeze, Shock, Smoke and Harpoon. When you upgrade these to the max, they get a perk eg. the Harpoon bolt at max upgrade adds fire to it attack. So these thing are pretty sweet.

My first play through, I just used the pistol, the laser sighted pistol, max upgraded. Until, I unlock the revolver, then that was it.

Houses In Motion

The Evil Within 2 is a far superior game compared to it’s prequel, it’s a pretty good game by itself. The problems I have with the game are small for the most part. So let’s just tackle them, these are my problems with the game.

The camera can be very very frustrating at times, especially down the corridors and tight rooms. I understand this is to evoke tension but it just feels frustrating.

There are a few enemies in the game, particularly the white women with knives, that get so close that you can’t aim at them, and your regular melee attack often doesn’t phase them. They are close enough, that bringing your weapon up, your arms will actually be aiming past them.

Enemies seem to have invincibility frames, I’ll shoot someone in the head, they go through their “I’ve been shot in the head” animation and immediate follow up shots seem to do no damage.
This happened to me so often, that my tatic became shoot them in the head, wait until they return to default, shoot them in the head. Repeat until dead. It’s a minor annoyance, but an annoyance nonetheless.

One hit kills return, this isn’t to bad. It’s mainly bosses or mini-bosses, so you won’t feel to ripped off.

Final complaint is an odd one…

Born Under Punches

The game takes itself far to serious, deciding to play the straight man all the way throughout. The problem with the serious angle is, if you don’t execute it well things come across poorly.

The voice acting isn’t great, but it not cheesy enough to get a laugh out of it. It’s serviceable to get the story across, yet not enough to evoke emotion. Being as serious as it is, means the atmosphere dark and down. After 2-3 hours of playing though I became desensitized to the “Horrors” around me.

The game never had me scared, this isn’t a macho thing, it just never got to a point where it was scary. The story will tell you time and time again that was you are seeing or experiencing was scary. But, it just wasn’t.

At the beginning it was a little tense, the not knowing. But as I said, after 2-3 hours or so, you’ll be playing this action stealth game just to enjoy the visuals, learn about the story.

And She Was

So with all that said, where do I stand on the game.

I found myself enjoying the story, but not so much the performances of the voice actors or script. The boss fights are a little hit and miss, but overall pretty nice.

My first playthrough took me 22:40:5, I collected 39/40 files, 9/11 slides, 29/32 keys, upgraded all but 3 of my bolts, and nearly completely levelled my character up. The fact that I even bothered to collect these items, and use the term “My first playthrough” should tell you that, overall I enjoyed the game.

Play it for the journey, the story and some nice crazy visuals. Also if you are a Resident Evil 4 fan, this should tick some boxes for you.

PROS

• Some great enemy designs
• Plenty to collect and unlock
• Story is interesting
• Reminds me of Resident Evil 4 (thats a pro for me)

CONS

• Poor voice acting
• Too serious
• Lack of scares

VERDICT

8.1/10

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The Hunter: Call Of The Wild

• Developers: Expansive Worlds
• Publisher: Avalanche Studios
• Genre: Simulation
• Players: 1 or 8 player online
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), Playstation 4, Steam
• Release Date: 2nd October 2017 (Xbox One, Playstation 4), 16th February 2017 (Steam)
• Microtransactions: None

Rest The Meat Until Room Temperature…

Here we are at TPC Sawgrass, there’s a 135 meter shot from the blind, wind will play a little over such a range. Make sure you aim just behind the front leg, otherwise you’ll be in for a long day. I’d play a .270… Oh deer, oh deer he’s missed, that was startling. It’ll be a long while before a shot lines itself up like that again.

Welcome to The Hunter: Call Of the Wild, a hunting game that leaves you to go hunting… Oh my, what a concept.

Expansive Worlds have tackled a hunting game, with confidence, and respect. Deciding instead of the bombastic story driven mess of the Cabela games, glorifying the mass slaughter of animals. They play more subtle, and simulation like.

The Hunter: Call of The Wild (for consoles at least) has to huge open maps. One themed European, with animals you’d more likely find across the continent, and another themed American. The attention to detail in these environments is beautiful. Dynamic weather and lighting effect how your hunt will go. Rain obscures your vision, but also masks some of the noise you make. Clear bright sunny days mean you can be seen for miles, so take your time. In fact, you should always take your time.

Heat Oil in Frying Pan Until Smoking Hot…

Playing The Hunter: Call Of The Wild is a chilled experience, if you rush around you’ll spook the game, then you may as well be on the moon. There is nothing much else to do in this game except hunt. There is a shooting range on both maps, and you’ll be given micro missions like kill a ‘Whitetail at night’, or take a photo of a ‘Fallow deer’.
These “missions” only seem to be there to try and push you away from your comfort zone, and venture into the wild. Which is a good thing.

Wandering off into unexplored areas is nice, you’ll find old wrecks of buildings and wind farms, with lovely vistas to behold. But you can’t do anything with them, some places maybe nice hunting grounds so stick around, and soak up the atmosphere.

Place Your Steak in Pan and Cook at High Heat For 30 Sec Each Side…

Now you can, and most likely will kill all you see in The Hunter: Call Of The Wild when you first start playing it…hell even when you are 20+ hours in, you’ll take a shot at anything you lay your eyes on. For me this started to feel cheap, the hunt had lost itself, turned into something lacking finesse. It wasn’t the game that had done this, it was me, the player. I had forgotten it’s a simulator.

For those who don’t know, in the states you have to apply for tags, these tags will give you the opportunity to hunt for a certain animal for meat or trophy. You then head out with your Black bear tag, to then hopefully fill up your freezer for a year.

If/when you set yourself personal tags in game, this adds a whole new dimension to the game. Let’s say you and you hunting partner decide at the beginning of the playing session, lets hunt Red Deer Stags only. The hunt becomes real. Your hunting partner or yourself take those snap shots at a Roe Deer Doe 350m away, scaring the animals in the immediate area. Instead, you watch them. Trying not to spook them.

After, and hour or so, you may happen to see a Red Stag standing proud on a ridge, with the sun just dipping behind him, sending god rays through his antlers. looking down your sights, you try and pick that perfect shot. Bring him down quickly (we don’t want to be following blood trails for the next hour), otherwise you may make him run. Meaning an even longer stalking session. Your breathing becomes tense, the sense of the hunt comes through in spades when you play the game like this. Meaning that one kill, feels more rewarding than the mass slaughter of Roe Deer Does.

Medium Heat, Cook For a Further 1 Mins 30 Sec Each Side…

So this game is a hard one to score. Because the tiny unfinished parts actually chip away at the score. The Hunter: Call Of the Wild started right out of the gate as a easy 8.5-9.0/10 game. As you start to settle into the pretty looking world, the cracks creep into view.

What cracks you say? silly ones really, floating stones or patches of grass. Deer running and stopping in trees (this doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s happen often enough for me to mention it here).

Then there’s the clunky and awkward menu system. It feels like it’s not been optimised for consoles. For instance, if you wanted to look at your hunt history, the game shows you a list of what you have killed. Showing approximately 20, with a scroll bar to the side… you’ve no means of getting to that scroll bar. Myself and Mr. Bilsborough tried for a while, but to no avail.

These seemingly tiny issue really frustrate, because they simply shouldn’t be there.

Rest The Meat, Before Serving…

I understand this game isn’t going to be for everyone, I do believe the game does a good job at forcing you to chill the fuck out. The calmer you are as a gamer, the more game rewards you by presenting you stags and bucks. In a paradoxically, if you want more action in The Hunter: Call Of The Wild, slow down.

What The Hunter: Call Or The Wild is to me is simply put, a Zen game. I play the game to wander the beautifully rendered pseudo-Germany or pseudo-America. The game is slow and lovely, with beautiful lighting and immersive sounds (when you turn the music off).

With the addition of a little more polish, and correcting of silly clipping issues like the floating grass, The Hunter: Call Of The Wild would easily be a high 8 or 9. But as it stands, I’ll give it a respectable Show Me Games 7.8.

PROS

• Very nice atmosphere, brought on by the beautiful lighting and sounds.
• Slow, and chilled gameplay which is surprising pleasant in multiplayer.
• The thrill after an hour of stalking a certain species, only to have a beautiful specimen appear is really something special. Tense and fun.

CONS

• Clipping issues, mainly cosmetic.
• A.I can be squiffy at times.
• Clunky menus

OVERALL

7.8/10

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Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus

• Developers: MachineGames
• Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
• Genre: First Person Shooter
• Players: 1
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), Playstation 4, Switch and Steam
• Release Date: 27th October 2017
• Microtransactions: None

Achtung Baby!

Hello folk and welcome to Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus. Now I’m only really familiar with the original Wolfenstein, and then the subsequent generic crap that came out up until MachineGames‘ Wolfenstein 2014.

I missed Wolfenstein 2014, but was reliably told from sources I trust that it was a fun little number. Roll around E3 2017, Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus trailer spiked my interest. The cut scenes looked mental and over the top, the action visceral. This may be a reason to step back to Wolfenstein.

Along came Mr. Dan Smash, who had a copy of the game, offered it to me for review, and now we are here…

Dam Busters

The game opens up with a rather lengthy cut scene recapping the fuckin’ madness of the previous installment/s. Setting the scene for the chaotic drivel that’s about to unfold over the next 10-13 hours.

Once the visual assault has finished, you are then given a intro in the style of a flashback, to when you where a little boy. You are on your bed sobbing, a caring mother comforting a poor frightened child, only for your abusive father to come home and generally be a dick. This here is Wolfenstein attempting pathos… For me it didn’t work, came across forced especially after the madness recap (more on this later).

Then whack! You are in, you are B.J. Blazkowicz, the same chap from every other Wolfenstein game, and why not. Due to the events of the last game, you are captured and without the use of your legs.

This intro level has you control Mr. B.J as you are being attacked aboard a ship, all whilst scooting about using a wheel chair. It was fun, stupid, but fun.

Nazi Gold

Whilst you are bipedal-ly impaired, the standard level of health is 50… I figure, ok, makes sense, I’m injured how clever. It’ll just last this one level… it does not last just one level.

Now being the ass clown that I am, this started to bug me, yes I get that it’s just a number. But after 30 years of gaming 100 is my full health situation. You can over-health yourself all the way up to 200, then your health cools down back down to the 50 of my bane.

Wolfenstein, why do you toy with my mind like so. It’s a small annoyance, that after a few hours of gaming does start to really piss me off. Fortunately for the sake of my sanity this gets resolved due to utter fucking madness during the course of the story. Yay!

Iron Sky

Let’s touch on the gameplay shall we before talking story.

The shooting mechanics are solid, the guns feel like they are firing hot pieces of pointy metal as they should. Action is fast and frantic, plenty of gore and dismemberment… which is always fun.

Axes are used as the melee weapon, to a very gory end. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just ran up to most enemies and axed them to death… it’s rather satisfying.

There’s a mild levelling up system, which give you buffs. So say, get X amount of head shots, and head shots do more damage. Kill folk with explosives you take less explosive damage. Simple things like that.

Every one of your main arsenal has 3 upgrade slots, with their own specific upgrades. For instance your pistol has a silencer, magnum rounds and extended magazine, whilst the Strumgewehr has a scope, armour piercing rounds and a quick reload magazine. These do really make a difference, and are very much welcome when you find one.

Later in the game you get to choose between three “power-ups” of sorts. One, allows you to constrict yourself though small holes, and help stealth. A piece of shoulder armour, which allows to you charge at folks and breakable objects like a bull. Finally some extend-o-legs, which allow you to be…taller? Now, don’t fear if you feel you have chosen poorly, the other power-ups can be found during side missions, provided you speak to the relevant NPC on the Sub.

After plugging through a few levels, the manic pace of combat and lack of new weaponry started to feel stale to me. Add to that, the level designs are often a confusing mess as to the direction I should be going. Bringing the kinetic pace to a sudden deflating stop.

New Orleans especially had me walking in circles, pouring more water over the already ebbing feeling of this game. Only to then finish a level, and be greeted with an entertaining cut-scene.

The Not See Party

Story…tone deaf I think is the phrase here. As mentioned at the top on of the review, Wolfenstein tries hitting you with pathos right from the off, but only goes and undermines everything with trying to be wacky.

You’ll probably hear a lot of people claiming the game is Tarantino-esque, it isn’t. The writing isn’t clever enough. It must be something to do with Inglorious Basterds, which simply means it has Nazi in it. I’m honestly baffled when this is brought up. It’s got more in common with They Live than Tarantino.

Through the first half of the game Mr. B.J laments during the levels, because he’s gonna die and not see his unborn children. Then the game thinks fuck it, this is getting a bit tired, lets go mental instead. Then you get something crazy (funny, entertaining don’t get me wrong) which resolves everything. Almost, like they’d written themselves into a corner.

The leader of your uprising dies early on, so you do a mission recuse a couple named Grace and Super Spesh… Next scene Grace is in charge… Wait, what, why?!?

This is Wolfenstein, trying to hard to be crrrrraaaaazy. It is funny, don’t get me wrong, there’s a few laughs here.

The father story arch from the beginning of the game, is sort of just thrown at you. To be wrapped up, again like they’d written themselves into a corner…

My favourite moments in the game are when you don’t have to fight.

Two scenes stand out to me:

One is walking through the streets to deliver Macguffin #23568. You see a small town under Nazi rule, with the KKK standing proud on the street corners and generally acting like twats. It’s funny seeing them being put in their places by the Germans. This level reminded me of Die Hard on the Gamecube, not an amazing game, but had some great little concepts.

The other is much later where we meet the Fuhrer himself… his frustration and lack of caring at that point of the game echoed with me, I found I had sympathy for digital Hitler.

A New Dawn

Upon completion I breathed a sign of relief. It was done, a decent ending, extremely open ended mind. But I was glad it was over, I enjoyed what I’d played, thanks and goodbye.

Wolfenstein was a mixed bag really, as much as I may have seemed to have really hated it, that’s not the case. The core game is competent, there’s plenty of collectables. The voice acting is fantastic (it’s the script that’s the problem). The graphics are pretty, and there’s some very entertaining sections.

It’s just, with it trying so hard to be edgy and wacky all at the same time, the two didn’t compliment each other that well. Maybe over a shorter game, but running me just over 13 hours to complete. I felt Wolfenstein fatigue by the end, unfortunately knocking what could have been an 8 down a little.

Each level breaks down into, find the commanders kill them to stop the alarm, next section, rinse and repeat. There are some very short side missions, and then you can kill the Uber commanders. You unlock these, by collecting Enigma cards from dead commanders. These missions are just go kill this commander. Very simple, take about 5-10 mins. Nice little extra killing if you don’t need a rest.

PROS

• Gun play has a nice feel in short bursts
• Voice acting is great
• Nice graphics

CONS

• Repetitive
• Repetitive
• Same stuff again and again

VERDICT

7.5/10

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Arizona Sunshine

• Developers: Vertigo Games
• Publisher: Vertigo Games
• Genre: FPS
• Players: 1-2 (campaign), 1-4 (survival)
• Platforms: Playstation 4 (Reviewed), Microsoft Windows
• Release Date: 27th June 2017 (PS4), 6th December 2016 (everywhere else)
• Microtransactions: None

Head Shot Boom!

VR games are fun, Zombie games are fun too. If only there was a game out there that combined the two. There is? There’s a fuck ton of them? Oh, well if only there was a good one, that’s where Arizona Sunshine pops in.

You play Captain Generic Gobshite #1226445, starting in a cave you make your way through valleys, mines, train yards, a military base and little townships.

Your mission is to get to a radio tower and get out of the Zombie infestation. Simple, we don’t need much here at show me games to have fun.

Zeds Dead

I played the game using two move controllers you can however play using the joypad or the Aim controller (Mr. Ashton prefered the Aim controller). I liked having both arms free to swing and aim two guns independently.

Movement in Arizona Sunshine is tackled in a couple of ways, with the move controllers we have the teleport or warp mechanic. You aim where you want to warp to. The camera goes black and comes back upon completion, it’s often referred to as blink warp or blink teleport. The Doom VR game will use Blink warp as its main mode of transport.

This can take awhile to get used to if you haven’t played many VR games, but you’ll soon be warping out quickly and smoothly without much issue.

The joypad or Aim controller will allow normal transport, using an analog stick. I personally find this mode of transport causes me a little discomfort dependant on the speed with which you travel.

If you look to the floor whilst in the game, a halo is shown, showing you your orientation to the camera. It’s recommended that you have yourself facing the camera as much as possible, as sometimes your aiming will be off due to the camera recognition of your positioning. The Vive version will no doubt be better due to multiple Lighthouses.

Boomstick

Shooting feels great here, headshots are extremely satisfying.  Dual wielding makes you feel awesome, especially during those pimp moments with a double head shot.

Plenty of firearms can be found dotted around the game, mainly pistols, but the occasional shotgun, SMG, or assault rifles are thrown in for good measure.

Sniper rifles are placed in a couple of areas in the game for you to have a dabble at long range head poppery. When using the sniper rifles you are looking down the scope it very fun.

Grenades however take a little while to get used to throwing. Well, at least my experience with the move controllers took a while. Due to the lack of weight, and the fact you have to actually throw the grenade there is a little mental disconnect. I ended up just under-arming everything I threw, then running away. My friend Ryan also had the same issue.

Door Is Ajar

During your meanderings through Arizona, you’ll happen across many cars, houses, and huts. One thing these all have in common is doors. Oh my, the doors.

Searching through abandoned vehicles, and buildings does warrant your time, but can be clunky with the move controllers. Reaching out out to open a door only to find you are a tad to close or frustratingly to far away happens often.

But walking down a highway, looking in the boot of cars is strangely immersive. Police cars often yield the most loot. But it’s worth searching other places. You may find a hidden weapon or two.

Brain Soup

Arizona Sunshine’s campaign took me approximately 3.5 hours to complete. I did it in one playthrough, stood up. With the exception of the mine level, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The mine level bugged me due to it’s darkness. Once I entered the mine, I was nervous but after 5 mins, my patience started to run thin. The awkward layout, the back tracking and the darkness even with the flashlight. I just wanted out. Now your experience may vary here, it was just one of my personal bug bares.

Once out of the mines, the rest of the game just cracked on at it’s nice pace.

Sarcy Shitbag

The games protagonist is a mouthy sarcastic shitbag. He’ll be chatty crap throughout the game. After 10 mins in I thought i was going to hate him, but I found myself warming to his nonsense. Also, due to the lack of actual story, he’s the only one speaking, so it would have gotten terribly dull without his gobby wit.

Press Start To join

Arizona Sunshine has a couple of game modes, Campaign and a Survival mode.

The Campaign we’ve just been through. The Survival mode, is exactly that. You must survive waves of zombies to score points and earn bragging rights.

Unlike the campaign, you can play this mode up to 4 players cooperatively. Which is pretty bloody sweet to be honest. Other than that there isn’t much else to say about it.

Wrapping up

Arizona Sunshine upon release for the Playstation was £9.99 for a limited time. The price then went up to £32.99. It’s price at the moment is £19.99.
Now I believe the cost of a game can and does effect the experience you may have with a game. It does me hence why I brought it up. Not that I have a specified monetary value per hour, but if something is finished in an hour and a half and it cost £50, I’d feel a little ripped off.

So my score is based on the amount paid and the current price (£19.99)

For that price I believe you are getting a fun, stress relieving game, which you could have fun with friends.

PROS 

• Smooth shooting experience
• Co-Op game modes
• Reasonable price

CONS

• Not much content
• Annoying as fuck mine level

VERDICT

7.4/10

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Ark: Survival Evolved

• Developers: Studio Wildcard, Instinct Games, Virtual Basement, Efecto Studios
• Publisher: Studio Wildcard
• Genre: RPG
• Players: 1-75
• Platforms: PC, Playstation 4, Xbox One
• Release Date: June 2015 (Early Access)
• Microtransactions: None

Goodbye Life

Thrown on to Jurassic Park island! That’s how it feels anyway. Let’s jump in on the beautiful game that is Ark: Survival Evolved. Let’s start with what this game is lacking…any story whatsoever! There is nothing when you begin, no cut scene, no tutorial no nothing. Or there wasn’t when I’ve been playing it. I know it’s still in testing blah blah it’s been like that for years. A little something would have been nice.

Now I have let off some steam with that let’s get in to the gameplay, you wake up with nothing and a little bit of cloth to cover your bits, not knowing what to do or where to go, your first spawn could even be next to an aggressive dinosaur, where you die horribly in seconds and have to spawn in again. Once that is over with and you are in a safe spot, you can check out the beautiful scenery and how to play the game.

Punch trees and pick up rocks to get some materials, make yourself a pick and hatchet to help harvest them, level up in the lower levels nice and quick aaaaaaaaaaaand you are starving or dehydrated…run in to the water to drink, punch dodos to death and cook their meat on a campfire, you do what you have to to survive.

It’s a steep learning curve but you get used to it, a few levels in and you realise you can assign engrams to make some cool stuff! Melee weapons, ranged weapons, clothes, structures it’s all there, this is where you look at what you can unlock at level 80 and realise you have to get it! Goodbye life and hello ark!

Hello Ark

It’s got some glitches and it’s not perfect but this is one addictive game, started on the PC over a year ago and now it’s on console, it’s hard to get away. You build a 2x2x2 house out of thatch with a campfire and a storage box, realise you can upgrade the house to wood, then stone, then metal…you can make the house bigger, add floors, ladders, hatches, dinosaur gates for your tamed dinos, it goes on. It’s a builders dream, you just need to make sure you are in the right area and T Rex doesn’t walk past every 5 minutes.

Once you get to grips with the engrams and building its time to look at the fun stuff…the dinosaurs! Yeah that’s right you can tame the things, although it’s not easy and it’s not quick. You need to get your hands on some narcotics, which come from the plants dotted around everywhere, make yourself some narcotic arrows or stick to just beating a dinosaur unconscious with a club. Now comes the mind numbing task of taming the dinosaur, where you need the narcotics to keep it unconscious, and some food so it likes you. Then there’s the task of making sure no other player kills it or a wild dino kills it.

3 hours later, 400 bits of food and 300 narcotic berries and you have a dinosaur! Might be a slight exaggeration but that’s what happens later on when you tame higher level better dinos. The lower end ones usually take 5 minutes to an hour max.

Fast forward a week, you have a massive house with many floors, 25 dinosaurs all called something like Dave or Daisy, having a total of 12 hours sleep in 7 days, Ark life has kicked in. Once you get to around level 30 the dinosaurs open up a bit more, you can craft saddles for a lot of them and realise you can now get a saddle for a pteradon, it’s time to fly!

This in itself is great but it causes more problems, you find a better spot for your base, on the other side of the map! I think we relocated 4 times…it’s never fun.

Tribal Mentality

Playing on the online servers you can make a tribe for you and your buddies to get together and make mansions, group up to take down bigger and better dinos, or just watch each other die horribly and launch an arrow to their knee. Again this has a downside…others can do the same and others can blow holes in your base and steal everything you have worked hard for, killing Dave in the process (RIP little buddy). This game on PVP can be harsh, very harsh. But you pick yourselves up, fortify the base, add defences and try again, taming bigger and better dinos and leave them on aggressive so if it happens again the dinos get to play.

You start to become a master at this game and wonder what else the ark game offers, baby dinosaurs! Yes, that’s right you can play some Barry White and have them mate. Combining the stats of the mum and dad dino to create one with better stats, also just look at them!

Raising a baby dino is like taming an adult one, but 10 times harder and 10 times longer, I think I had to keep one fed for 2 days…2 days! It was worth it in the end and my Argentavis bird called Argelina Jolie is a beast. Get creative with them names! Dodo Baggins (Dodo), Ptaylor Swift (Pteradon), the list goes on…or just Dave (RIP little buddy)

I would definitely say grab a pick and have a bash at this game, it’s not for everyone, but I am most definitely addicted.

PROS

• In depth building
• Taming dinos
• Graphics

CONS

• No real story
• No tutorials

Verdict

8/10

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Tekken 7

• Developer: Bandai Namco Studios
• Publisher: Bandai Namco Entertainment
• Genre: Fighting
• Players: 1-2
• Platforms: PC, Playstation 4, & Xbox One
• Release Date: 2nd June 2017
• Microtransactions: Yes

Back to form

I have been a fan of the series since its console birth back in the PS1 days and although my attention waned in the last few iterations, Tekken 7 piqued my interest.

She’s Purty!

The one thing I can say that few will argue with is that the Tekken series has improved aesthetically fairly well with every game in the series and this one is no different, it looks absolutely stunning from the character modelling, to the gorgeous backgrounds, and some really fun destruction that isn’t new by any stretch but a welcome addition nonetheless.

Choices, Choices

After the backlash of Street Fighter V having no arcade mode, Tekken has made sure that it has come out of the starting blocks with plenty of content.  There is now an almost Mortal Kombat-esque story mode, which is bloody difficult in places and is good to keep you busy for a few hours and tells an interesting side of the Mishima story which I thoroughly enjoyed.  There is a standard arcade mode that isn’t massively long but it lets you get a feel for some of the 30+ characters that you may not be familiar with.  Then of course there’s the online mode, I found this to work pretty well not having to wait long for a match.  There is an endless “Treasure Battle” mode which has you fighting over and over again earning you fight money and unlocking various character customisation items which I will talk about more later, this actually made me play this mode far longer than I expected to.  Last of all there are character stories for each character which give a little backstory for each character although these are frightfully short and a little disappointing.

Fight the World

The online battles are where the experience can vary wildly.  I am a fairly competent, albeit fairly basic, Tekken player as I peaked in the days of Tekken 3.  Online I would either do quite well or, more often than not, get my ass handed to me by people who know the long combos that juggle you to death.  You can either play single matches or enter tournaments for fight money prizes.

Normally getting beaten repeatedly would leave me pretty frustrated but fighting games have evolved a lot over the years and I simply have not go the time to keep up and if I devoted enough time into truly learning some of the combo’s and the all important reversals, I could end up as a reasonably competitive player but alas time is a precious resource these days.

Sadly Pointless

I got quite excited when I picked up the game and saw the “Playstation VR Compatible” banner across the top.  I really shouldn’t have bothered.  There are 2 uses.  First one is an endless battle where you simply fight in a vast open space with no health bars just more of a practice arena.  The second is to view the character models.  Both of these are pretty pointless and were a completely needless addition.

Bling!

The last thing I want to mention is the character customisation.  There is quite simply the highest amount of character customisation that I have ever seen in a fighting game, all purchased with in-game currency or unlocked with the treasure battle mode.  You can completely change the look of any of the characters, some pretty drastically which I quite enjoyed.  I ended up with a leather-clad Paul Phoenix wearing chaps and a knights helmet looking like some sort of fetish gimp.  I chuckled to myself with it anyway!

PROS

• Good story mode
• Fantastic character customisation
• Overall lots of content for a beat ‘em up

CONS

• Character stories are woefully short
• Akuma is a bitch

Verdict

8/10

(PS4 Version used for review)

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Mass Effect: Andromeda

• Developers: BioWare
• Publisher: Electronic Arts
• Genre: Action RPG
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), Playstation 4, Microsoft Windows
• Release Date: 21st March 2017
• Microtransactions: Yes

Veteran Of The Reaper Wars

Mass Effect

I’m a full battle tested veteran of the Reapers wars. A former spectre for the Citadel. Liaising with the other species of the Milk Way. Asari, Turian, Hanar, Elcor, Salarians, Krogan, Volus, Humans, Quarians, Batarians. Broke down historical boundaries to make contact with the Rachni, Collectors and the long thought lost Protheans. Hunted Thresher Maws with Krogans, and had telepathic communication with the Reapers themselves.

First Contact happened with the Geth around 2183. Shortly after the Citadel was attacked by a lone Reaper.  Our first taste of the potential destruction of our known galaxy.

Galactic Readiness

The first game was great, with all of your interactions with the other species, building up the lore and at around 30hrs for my first play-through didn’t feel too baggy. The second game did me for 24hrs. Tweaks to the combat made the game a little more geared to that aspect. Added great things to the story, and one of the most devastating final missions I’ve ever played. Leading into the final game. This took me 20+hrs to finish.

Completing the trilogy with a character I crafted. With decisions made by me affecting future relationships throughout the games was special. Having bonding moments with some characters only for them to die in your story, but not in others. This added a weight to the choices you make. Add to that a morality meter swinging from Paragon to Renegade. Depending on which way you lean, would open different or extra dialogue trees. Again, adding to the illusion of player agency in the world and story.

At the end of my 70 something hours across the trilogy, I felt I’d had an effect. The lofty status I had, I’d earned. The ultimate end fell flat. But the rest of it was a quality piece of work.

Even with the terrible bugs, facial animation and clipping.

Andromeda Bound

USS Franchise Killer

Mass Effect: Andromeda takes place 600+ years after 2185.

4 species from the Milky Way Galaxy have decided to send “Arks” with their people in. Salarians, Turians, Asari and Humans all have an “Ark”. Ahead of the Arks being sent, a hub for them sent first, the Nexus. This Nexus will arrive shortly before the Arks, and become the Andromedas make shift Citadel.

The Arks have been sent to populate 7 “Golden Worlds” once they arrive. That brings us to the beginning.

You play as Male or Female Ryder, a colonist that has been awaken because you’ve arrived at the Andromeda Galaxy, and all is not well. We come across strange gaseous tendrils in space, surrounding one of the “Golden Worlds”. We must investigate, because reasons!

Landing on the first planet you find yourself up against and new alien race. Whom you shoot, and kill. The game makes a small attempt at giving you a choice, but you really didn’t have a say. The world is having huge electrical storms, after I’d say an hour of wondering you get to a computer room, reboot the planet. hey presto the storms stop, surprise attack by the new alien race, and you’re back on your ship. But this time we have a bunch of reason and bullshit to give you an arbitrary title “Pathfinder!”. This gives you supposed authority.

We get to the Nexus. Quickly learn we are the only Ark that has arrived. Your told about a uprising on the Nexus, and how a large amount to the populace has become “Exiled”. You’re tasked with making planets safe to populate, and look for the missing Arks. 5 hrs in, we have finally been given a goal.

Ignorance Is Bliss

So the eagle eyed amongst you may have notice the date which they set off. They set off 2 years after the first reaper attack. This is rarely brought up, not an issue, no big deal. Let’s just crack on.

Now, I understand that hitting people with even more exposition right out of the gate would slow the pacing down. But at least have more than a handful of people mention it. It was a big deal, so big in fact it had a trilogy.

Face Ache

Something this game doesn’t do well, it’s introduce characters aside from Peebee, Liam and Vetra. Peebee because she’s fun, Liam because he is chill and doesn’t bug you every 3 mins, and Vetra interesting and pragmatic. I like pragmatic. Everyone else is an annoyance. Talking to you like shit, or just boring. I appreciate that this is a personal thing, but I didn’t have this with the other games. A couple of folk bugged me, but that became their charm.

Everyone you meet in this game, wants something from you, and more often than not its a pointless mission. Your mission journal will be bursting at the seams within minutes of stepping foot anywhere. They are ranging from, take this to X planet for me, or talk to X person on X planet. Your reward for these missions in mostly nothing…yep, nothing, you receive nothing.

Nothing, is also input you add to the narrative also. When having a conversation with some boring, poorly written Angaran. You sit and listen to all the shite that he’s talking, waiting for your response list. Only to find, the responses on offer, don’t veer the conversation in a different direction, or even have an effect on future missions. All to often I was trying to walk away from conversations because I’d already reached my personal threshold for fetch quests. Only for the NPC to give me the mission anyway…

At the loading screen (which you’ll see more than your children), the game says to pay attention and think about your responses because it can effect certain things. I honestly haven’t notice. Over 60hrs and haven’t noticed.

Ground control

Player agency is a big part of what made Mass Effect so good. This game is missing it. The first 40 or so hours I spent feeling completely and utterly bored. The main quest was making some worlds safe, and doing pointless fetch quests for no reward. I felt fatigued, and as though I’m wasting my life.

I did one mission, as a stand alone fetch quest. I had to go from the Nexus to Eos. Leaving the Nexus caused a loading animation, enter the galaxy map, click on the system you wish to travel to, another loading animation. Click the planet to land on, loading animation. 3 mins to complete mission, then loading screen to leave planet, loading screen to leave system, loading screen to land back at the Nexus. Reward? Nothing, but boredom.

This boredom only made the minor annoyances boil and rise to the top. For instance, the facial animations, whilst I can accept that not every game is going to look beautiful, or even have perfect animation. We over look flaws when we are enjoying an experience. This game has many flaws, which I would normally overlook.

System Check

First off the character creation feels very limited, so much so, that I would recommend you just take the default design of either sex. I feel the facial animation for these would most likely work better. But when your in the middle of what the story is trying to make an emotional crisis point, and your character has a massive smurky pout on his face, it kinda undermines everything. Again, something I would overlook to a degree if I was engaged. But the dullness, makes these things stand out.

I’ve been booted back to my landing site 3 times, whilst I was trying to finish a Remnant level.

The scale of your ship the tempest is wrong. Whilst you’re inside running around, you get an idea of scale. You land on a planet, and stand next to your ship…nope, nope that ship is too small. Just look at where your cockpit should be.

I had to be told on Mass Effect: Andromedas Facebook page, how to set my helmet off, when on a planet.

During in game cut scenes characters that are talking are often not even there. Automated in game cut scenes kick in during combat, and you are still getting shot. I’ve dies twice, immediately after a cut scene because of this very issue.

Re-spawning enemies. I was fighting on a ramp. Killing remnant, they made a push. I’d killed most of them, but a Destroyer was left. I turned and ran down the ramp to get cover. Turned around…no Destroyer. Walked up the ramp, and every thing was back again. Nope! I’m not happy you stupid game.

Awful dialogue. Most often you have no impact on the conversations you’re in. This is the biggest game breakers for myself.

The auto-cover system is a frustrating fucker too.

Team Tactics

Multiplayer is basically the same as the last game, mediocre horde mode. This has no affect on the main game, expect for unlocking some cash and bonus weapons.

It’s the multiplayer were we meet microtransactions. I walked away from multiplayer after a brief look. more pay to win shite.

Final Destination

The final 10 hours of this game is where the stakes seem to be picking up and you finally feel that you have a goal. You’re actually making progress towards something. For me it was to little to late, especially with the end boss. It was terrible, I felt no urgency other than that of me thinking “just get this done”.

The game struggles with it’s size. It’s flabby, to full of pointless shit which drags the game out. If the game was more concise, trim 40 hours off the run time. It would be better. It wouldn’t have felt so pointless.

The graphics are nice, the sound design is great. But I want my Mass Effect game to have choice, and consequence. Neither are on offer here.

Did the review feel long winded? could have been said in just this paragraph. Welcome to Mass Effect: Andromeda

PROS

• Pretty Graphics
• Great sound design
• You’ll learn sudoku

CONS

• To long for the story it tried to tell
• Poorly written
• Zero feel of player agency
• Side missions

Verdict

6.3/10

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Planet Coaster

• Developers: Frontier Developments
• Publisher: Frontier Developments
• Genre: Construction and Management Simulator
• Platforms: Microsoft Windows
• Release Date: 17th November 2016
• Microtransactions: No

Roller Coaster Of Love

Theme Park, we all know the game from back in 1994. It was developed by Bullfrog and had that legendary bullshitter Peter Molyneux as part of the team (Was the name based on him?). It was the start of the fairground sim and eventually the genre evolved into the legendary Rollercoaster Tycoon Series.

Rollercoaster tycoon, in case you didn’t know, has a massive fan base and provides you with a sandbox where you can create your own park or dream rollercoaster. You probably know someone who still plays one of the old games, hob nob in hand, with a love for tinkering with the price of sodas or reshaping that path so Sally can get to the ride without sulking.

Fast forward to now and we have Frontier Games, which has most of the original tycoon crew within it. They wanted to create the ultimate fairground sim, pay homage to the classics before it and ultimately surpass them all. Enter Rollercoas…. Sorry Planet Coaster.

From the beginning you have 3 modes. Career, challenge and freeplay. The latter of these lets you build a park from scratch. No need to worry about funding, just build to your hearts content. Career mode is where the bread and butter is. You start with limited funds and will have to really think about what you are doing if you are going to be raking in millions and donning a suit at the latest Prada event. Loans, happiness, staff will all test your resolve and make you work for that dream park. Challenge mode gives you a scenario, and you have some goals to achieve before you can progress. Obviously getting tougher the more you advance.

From the off this game really has been made with a lot of love and respect. The opening tune is one of the best I have ever heard and always gives me a smile when it comes on. It tells me “welcome back sir, whistle along with us gleefully while we load your next experience”.

Buckle Up

Frontier games have left nothing unscathed here, menus, sfx, tutorials, music. Its all of a very high standard and you would be hard pressed to moan about much. The graphics are brilliant and surprised me in parts actually how good they are. Shadows bounce of the rides, trees sway in the wind, even the animations of the little annoying park goers are extensive and do not get tiresome.

You can follow someone round the park and watch them as they react to the gaming world you created. Little things you can do like get a customer’s view of a ride you have just built,It all feels like it has been created with the gamer in mind. You can even change the ride music to something from your own totally legitimate and payed for mp3 collection. Highlight of all this is placing a Chief Beef stand down and hearing the CHHHHHEEEEEEIIIFFFFFF BEEEEEEEEFFFF.

Biggest of Dippers

Building a roller coaster is a very fun affair, but doesn’t come without its problems. Many times I have spent around an hour creating a beast of a rail, only to find I cannot make it join up at the end or when I test it my rollercoaster decides it will not go up a certain dip.

But I am still getting to grips with this part of the game, and its very extensive in what you can do and what you can achieve. Just look up online what some gamers have created, its simply mind blowing and wets your appetite for another go at creating Never Never Land. The community on steam are constantly uploading custom made rides and buildings which really does keep it fresh when the standard rides become stale.

I really would of liked it if the game was a little more sim like on the handling of the staff. You prop up a shop, and over time your staff get a little fumed if they are not making sales or are situated in a quiet spot. But when they leave you can just hire another one in the same store with little or no penalty whatsoever, sometimes takes you away from the sim aspect as you have just payed off a loan, upped your park rating and turned over 600 new park goers with patience, time and cunningness. But I can just click a button to replace Boris, Stephen and Marvin because they are moaning little scruffs.

All the bells and whistles are here, price changing, colour schemes, speeds of rides and patterns. You cannot put more salt on your chips or ice in your coke though, that is one thing Theme Park does that PC doesn’t. The little blighters.

Merry-go Bye Bye

Frontier games really need to be proud of themselves with Planet coaster, niggles aside it is by far the most detailed, gorgeous and fun management sim out there. They really have hit the nail on the head with almost everything, and if you have a half decent PC I really recommend giving it a go.

At 30 quid on steam, you could really do a lot worse for your money. A lot of sims frustrate you, punish you or overwhelm you to get rewards. But Planet Coaster is just a joy to play all of the time. Even when it is all stacked up against you, you can look at the 1000s of things going on in your park and it will make you smile enough to want to carry on and better yourself.

With the constant updates to the game and the community love and uploads, I can see this game lasting a long time and its only getting better. If you enjoyed Theme park or RT you will really not want to miss this.

PROS

• Great graphics, AI and presentation
• Plenty of customisation options
• Loads to see and do
• The title music

CONS

• Management of staff is a little basic
• Profits can either increase or decrease massively for no apparent reason.

Verdict

9.1/10

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Resident Evil 7: Biohazard

• Developers: Capcom
• Publisher: Capcom
• Genre: Survival Horror
• Platforms: Xbox One (Reviewed), PlayStation 4, Microsoft Windows
• Release Date: 24th January 2017
• Microtransactions: No

Who are you?

Ethan – Void Of Emotion

You play as Ethan in Resident Evil 7, a man that makes Chris Redfield seem deep and interesting. The way he takes everything in his stride is remarkable (hence the remarks about it). I’m only assuming that he’s that terrified, that his brain has snapped.

Ethan receives an email from his wife (who has been missing for 3 years), this email has a video demanding he stays away.

Ethan being the mentally unstable individual that he is, decides to go and have a look see. But doesn’t call the police…because he’s a dick.

Chase Me, Chase Me

So you arrive in your car, down a long dirt track, in your brown loafer shoes, suit pants and shirt. Turn the engine off, leaving the keys in the car and proceed to creep around the bayou.

At least dress for the occasion Ethan, and bring a fecking gun!

You arrive at the Bakers estate. After a short jaunt through the guest house you find your wife. See looses her shit.

She says something, you say something. You get stabbed, she gets kicked, you lose a limb, you shoot her in the face. Usual relationship things, you know.

After a window into Ethans abusive marriage, Daddy Jack Baker chins you and the game becomes a great horror title.

Family Times

Meet The Parents

So lots of people point out influences they spot in Resident Evil 7. One of the most common I hear is Amnesia. Nope, if you’ve actually played Amnesia the only similarities to this game are: It’s an first person perspective, and sometimes you have to run away.

But that’s a main stay in Resident Evil games for years, even before Amnesia came out. Resident Evil 3,  had a Nemesis. Who hunted you down, and you had to run away.

Daddy

So the game properly begins with you taped to a chair, around a table with the baker family, they are bat shit mental. You’ve got Mother, Father, Son, Grandma and a strangle woman named Zoe. Who disappears, once stapling your hand back on.

You’re being forced to…what?…the hand? Yeah, doesn’t get explained, can I carry on?

You’re being forced to eat some grim stuff, people get annoyed at you, they leave, you escape the chair.

Resident Evil 7 has begun, begun super proper this time. Walking around the Bakers kitchen and living room. The game looks pretty. Although there are the occasional drop to lower resolution items like doilies, telephones and the likes.

Very early on you have to run away for Jack, these moments are really scary and tense. Capcom keep the terror and dread up from the off. Then it takes awhile before they ease up.

Sneak Jack, get a key, do a thing, then a thing problem sort of solved then bang! Within 15-20 Mins of starting you’re in a boss fight, shitting yourself.

Mother

So Resident Evil starts strong, does it stay strong? Well yes and no.

The game has some puzzles, and many doors which require silly keys, like raven key, snake key, scorpion key. Some doors even require multiple parts to open. Which is a return to the first 4 formula.

The atmosphere of the house, is creepy, the back tracking (although is a pain in the arse), has returned for the first 4 games also.

Resident Evil 7 is very much a return to horror, and not QTE heavy Mega-monsters…or is it?

Brother

As you traipse around the game, you will come across VHS tapes lying around. When you play these videos, you actually play a different section of the game. These are a little hit and miss for me. They often show you how to solve the next section of the game.

They can be fun, but as the game went on I wasn’t too bothered about doing them. As the story in the latter half just bored me, and wanted the game to finish.

The brother video was my favourite.

Sister

Throughout the game a young lady called Zoe tries chatting you up over the various phones dotted about the ground. She eludes to helping you out, and a possible cure for your crazy wife.

She dips in and out, but never really bond with me. Sure she’s apparently less crazy stab stab than your wife, but she related to the Bakers, and it seems they drink their own coolade (if you know what I’m sayin).

Triple-Headed Sex Beast

Super Sailing

Ethans movement speed is to slow. He is irritatingly slow, it became a point of genuine frustration for me. There isn’t any reason for him to be this slow. Even at a “run” he is still to slow. I understand it was a decision in order to amplify tension. Or was it to allow VR to run smoother?

The enemies in are very limited in design, besides the family members/bosses there are 4 enemy types. Toothy Bastards, Spidery Fucks, Fat Pukists and Big Wasps. The Toothy Bastards are creepy, and often generate from the black mould that is lying around. So you do get nervous when the black stuffs about. (Still not as scary as the Regenerators).

The Spidery Fucks are jumping about all the time, and are just crappy annoying more than anything. Do you like wasps? no? well, this game has big ones, and finally the Fat Pukist. They are initially terrifying, but run away is the key…in fact the key to most of the game. Even though you can’t run that fast, get to a door, shut it behind you. Pow, you’re safe.

Titanic Times

So the game would have been a shoo in for a 9/10 game. Although, I had things that frustrated me. They where pushed to the back of my mind because of how fun, pretty and scary the game was.

The build up to the greenhouse was shit inducing.

There comes to a point in the game where you are given a choice…The options don’t really make sense. The choice feels forced, it comes just after a fight with a boss that was very old resident evil. This also annoyed me.

We went from creepy shit, with organic visuals to a big comedy monster. With big eyes that are a different colour so you know to shoot them. Very anti-climatic and un-did the great work of the first 6-7 hours of the game.

So after feeling a little deflated, you’re give a choice. Which apparently changes the ending every so slightly.

After you’ve chosen, the game takes a terrible U-turn for me. The game removes you from the Baker grounds, removes your weapons, creates a slow as semi-stealth section. A drags out something that could very simply have been put into a two min cut-scene.

The pacing of the game dropped so far off I honestly could be bothered playing it, I just ran around a boat, uninterested. Until I could pass the joypad to Adam.

Iceberg

The steam had run out for me. Taking the weapons off you is a poor, poor gaming trope I thought we’d left behind.

They did this to make you feel vulnerable, I didn’t feel vulnerable, I felt annoyed.

Not only did they remove all of your firearms and backpack inventory slots, they make you play as someone else.

Horror had left me completely now, now the things that bugged me a little but was held back by my enjoyment of the game, have burst forward.

So the movement speed is really bugging me, the lack of weapons has pissed me off. Why in the sweet lord of all fucks am I not playing as Ethan any more??

Salty Salty

Licky Licky

After the low point, we are given a bounty. The complete opposite of not having my weapons. I now have all the weapons and ammo for days ?! Very curious…

Game logic kicks “We are near the end” after an hour of sprinting past enemies. Some half interest sorta cut scenes, we reach the final boss. Which just left me cold, uninterested.

Character reveal cammeo at the end, if they are supposed to be who they are supposed to be then they look nothing like them. See no spoiler.

9.5 Hours it took us to complete it (you can watch it all on the youtube channel). Once finished we unlocked a gun. We started a new game plus, got to our case, used the gun. It was terrible. The items we unlocked first time through, weren’t in our case. So the coins we saved, ammo we save, everything was pointless.

Biohazard

Overall, Resident Evil 7 is a one and done game. It does feel like it has been made to be experienced in VR more than it has been optimised to play without.

9.5 hours to play through, 6-7 hours of that was very tense and enjoyable, the last part of the game just makes everything feel rushed and a bit poopy.

Also, soon as you finish the game it tells you about a piece of free DLC. No Capcom, bundle that with the game. There is also a season pass for £24.99 in which you get 3 pieces of DLC.

I’ve no motivation to keep hold of this game beyond this one playthrough. That isn’t  to say the game is bad, it’s certainly something you must pick up if you are a horror fan. Just don’t expect replayability.

PROS

• Looks Great
• Sounds Great
• Genuine Scares Not Just Jump Scares
• First Two Thirds Are Brilliant

CONS

• Movement Speed Is Bad
• Story Is Bland
• The Choice Is Terribly Executed
• Awful Third Act

Verdict

7.9/10

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